There’s a story behind this flower that I’d like to share with everyone. I’ve written about the topic a few times, but I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this little flower that has a whole lot of meaning.
At this time 3 years ago, I had just suffered the end of my very first pregnancy. An early miscarriage. As if that alone isn’t hard enough, the timing of it added a little extra sting.
“Really, God? RIGHT before Mother’s Day?” Ugh.
I was still in shock and trying to wrap my head around what had just happened. It was like my pregnancy ended before it even began. That’s how fast it happened. A drastic descent from the high of seeing a positive pregnancy test (after trying for about 9 months), to the low of that first ultrasound, when we were told it was over. Just, over. All of this happened within the span of a few short weeks.
My parents were in town over Mother’s Day weekend, so we wanted to bring them to our church then visit a local winery afterward (I wasn’t pregnant anymore, so why not drink some wine?!) I knew church would probably be hard, as most of them always make a point to recognize the holiday and all the moms in the congregation. Which they did, at the end of service. They had little kids go around handing flowers to all the moms. At first, I thought, “well, this sucks”. Not that I would’ve expected a flower anyway. I wasn’t a mother yet, even if I wouldn’t have miscarried. But I would’ve been excited about becoming one soon. So, there was still something about it that caused my heart to ache.
Then right as we were about to leave the sanctuary, an adorable little boy came over to me, looked up into my eyes with a smile on his face, and handed me a flower. I’m not sure what about me looked like a mother. I didn’t have any kids with me.But I took the flower from him anyway, said “thank you”, while holding back tears.
You’d think that would’ve been like throwing a heaping pile of salt into my open wound. But it wasn’t. It was like God gently telling me, “just because that little life is no longer growing inside you anymore, doesn’t mean it was never there.” You’re never just “a little pregnant”. You’re either pregnant, or you’re not. There is no in-between. And I was pregnant. It did happen. Even for those few precious weeks that I eagerly anticipated our first baby. Wondered if it was a boy or girl. Thought about names. How we would announce it. What the baby would look like. How cool it would’ve been if the baby was born on 12/12/12 (which was my due date). I started researching breastfeeding. Childbirth and labor. All the stuff expecting moms do. And I loved and cared for that little life. Like a mom does. I was a mom.
But that flower was also a sign of hope. God knew my desire to have kids was still there, and would be fulfilled someday, even though I didn’t know it then. I had no idea in that sanctuary 3 years ago, that a year later I’d be holding my precious Gwendolyn. And that 2 years later, I’d be expecting my little Ivor. And that today, 3 years later, I have my 2 adorable little miracles here to hold and give lots of hugs and kisses to. They are such a gift and I don’t take them for granted. I remember reading something somewhere that the more shocking statistic isn’t the number of miscarriages that occur, but the number of actual live births. The process is so very complex, intricate and delicate. So many things have to go right and fall into place perfectly for it to be successful. so it’s not that surprising that it doesn’t always go right. But when it does? That’s why they call it the “miracle of life”, right?
Mother’s Day is a nice holiday. It’s a tough job and it’s nice to be recognized and to celebrate with our families. But please remember the other moms around you who are hurting, and be sensitive to them. In any given church congregation, there will be women who have suffered a miscarriage, lost a child, or struggle with infertility. And they deserve flowers too.
To those moms, I recognize you. I see you. I’ve been you. I wish I could give you all hugs.
Please don’t lose hope! Even when it seems all is lost…God can do a whole lot more than you could even imagine. He is faithful and he knows your tomorrow. He can see what’s ahead for you, when all you can see is darkness and hopelessness. Trust Him.
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”- Ephesians 3:20-21