Darkness is my Closest Friend (Psalm 88) Part 2

If you’re just tuning in, read Part 1 first. Otherwise, you’ll be confused.

So, picking up where I left off.

April 24, 2012. Tuesday.

…After sobbing for awhile all over Ivor’s dark gray t-shirt, I went over to the couch and stayed there for several hours. I ignored phone calls. Not sure if I responded to texts. I assume Ivor made me eat more at some point. I emailed my boss to let her know what happened and that I wouldn’t be coming into the office that afternoon but that I still planned to come in the next day. Until the next day arrived. And then the next. Each day I got up when my alarm went off, got in the shower to get ready and then realized I just wasn’t ready yet. I ended up taking the rest of the week off.

Back up quickly to the day after Tuesday. Ivor, against my will, arranged for visitors to come.  Even though I objected, it was exactly what I needed. And God sent the perfect couple from our church to minister to us at that time. They didn’t come over with Bible verses to throw at us to make us feel better (not that there isn’t a place for Scripture in the midst of suffering, there absolutely is, I just wasn’t ready for it at that point). They came over, sat with us in our grief and said “this sucks. I’m so sorry.” They had been through similar situations which they shared with us. They prayed for us. And watched the Muppets on YouTube with us (a momentary, welcome distraction).

A few days later, I went back to the doctor to have my blood drawn again (to check hCG levels, like I mentioned in Part 1).  The numbers confirmed the miscarriage, which was what we were expecting. I wasn’t holding on to any false hope at that point. I had been paying close attention to my cycle when I got pregnant so I knew exactly how far along I was, there wasn’t any chance that it was just too early to see/hear anything.

I was then given 3 options. The first was to wait it out and let my body “get rid of” the remains of pregnancy on its own. Warning: potential TMI ahead….this process involves a lot of heavy bleeding accompanied by painful cramping. And I would have no idea when that would occur. The second option was to take some sort of pill to initiate that process (which eliminates the horrible waiting part of the process). The third option was to have a minor procedure called a D&C. I opted for the third as the first two just didn’t sound like something I would handle very well. And I was told my body would recover faster from a D&C, so I could try to get pregnant again sooner. That gave me hope.

So I had the procedure the following Monday (April 30th). I was on pain meds but I still remember how it felt. Now that I can actually compare, it felt very much like early contractions. The whole thing was over in about 10 mins. My doctor did one final ultrasound to make sure she got everything out. She told us to wait 1 cycle before trying again, then sent us on our way. I remember feeling pretty good emotionally when we got home (but I knew that was a result of whatever they had me on, I can’t even remember what it was…but it wouldn’t last).

I wish I could say “the hard part was over”. But living in the aftermath of pregnancy loss, and re-entering the world again comes with some challenges. And a roller coaster of emotions.

To be continued….again….

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